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This has been a really challenging season for me…they all seem to be challenging seasons for me…what’s that about?

Even though I am “all up in my forties” and should be well-equipped to make good, healthy decisions for myself, I find that I still seek out multiple opinions and points of view, and then process, process, process process…seek out more opinions and process, process….before I move forward with a decision. And even then, I question whether the decision I made was the “right” one. Shouldn’t it be easier now that I am a “grown up”?

I thought that after nearly 50 years of making decisions…big ones, small ones, good and bad ones…. that I would have a clear understanding of how to make a good decision for myself. And yet, I struggle. I was never an athlete and can’t personally relate to this, however, as I was watching the NCAA championship games, athletes often said that they knew whether their shot was going to go in as soon as it left their fingertips. Why can’t it be that way with decision making? Why can’t there be a tingle in my fingertips, or a familiar itch on my left ear, when I arrive at the best possible decision?

My pastor just concluded a series on decision-making called Crossroads (visitonecc.com). During this 7-week series, he provided 7 questions that christians should ask themselves as we move toward making a decision. This has proved helpful in some recent decision making “wrangling” I have been going through and perhaps it will be helpful to you.
1. Are you being completely honest with yourself? (most of us “rationalize” every decision we make, especially the bad ones. This question is designed to get at our TRUE motivation for doing something.)
2. What is the story that you want your life to tell? (Our lives can be summed up in 1, 2 or 3 sentences. What do you want your sentences to be? How will this decision contribute to your life story?)
3. Is there a tension that needs my attention? (Is the decision being made due to some issue or stress in our life? Important to identify that “tension” first and see how it relates to the current decision being considered)
4. Will the decision glorify God? (Is it a loving decision?)
5. Is my community at peace with my decision? (community is your spouse, family, coworkers, your boss…if this is a decision about leaving a job, – your community is all the people that will directly or indirectly be affected by the decision).
6. Am I making this decision with a renovated mind? (is the decision being driven by our “human” nature or as a christ follower? Our human nature is by default – selfish and driven by the desire to do what makes us most Happy in the moment.)
7. Whose History is written on my heart? (what baggage do I bring to this process, how does that baggage effect the process)

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This has been a good week. My sister arrived on Friday, just in time to celebrate our anniversary with us.

3 years of wedded bliss. Seriously. I am so blessed.

We did what “the sisters” do – some shopping, watched movies, eating, and a Project. I took Marcia to this really great fabric store, City Craft. It is a small independently owned fabric store in Dallas. She has oilcloth, organic fabrics, great cotton prints, flannels and some felt. Marcia’s new craft is making handmade purses so we picked out several great prints so she can get started. And yes, I have dibs on one of her first ones!! I will share when I get it!

On Monday and Tuesday we painted the master bedroom. I just am not good at making my bedroom work. We painted the walls a buttery white, nothing amazing about that but….the ceiling and crown molding we painted a metallic gold!! It really looks great. It took three coats on the ceiling so Marcia and I both have sore hips from climbing up and down the ladder. Now the bedroom furniture looks great and our bedding works. I feel like a grown up.

Marcia left today to head back home. Always sad to see my sister’s leave but tomorrow is my first jewelry class and I am going to work on my first 21 Secret Workshop today to keep the blues away. An added bonus is that my sister Mary arrives next week for a long visit. She will be my crafting partner and I am really looking forward to spending time with her and seeing where our creative journey leads!

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My sister Mary arrived yesterday from Phoenix. She is here for 3 weeks and we are going to do some serious crafting!! She has already completed one pillow top and she has barely been here 24 hours!

She has also lovingly made a pillow with Chip, Jade’s 5 year old great nephew. He chose the fabric, cut out the shape, sewed his name on the pillow by hand, sewed the outside edges (using the sewing machine pedal was his most favorite part) and then stuffed the pillow.

She is really great with young kids. She is crazy about her grandson, Jayden, and spends most days lovingly teaching and encouraging him as he encounters new adventures each day but she is unselfish in sharing her love with other kids as well.

It is a blessing to spend time with young kids who are excited and exuberant about the world. Chip is a sweet, generous loving boy who is really interested in all the “crafting” that goes on in the Thorpe household!

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I finished the lamp today!! As I was gluing shell after shell after shell after shell…I was thinking about how we define ourselves, and really, how I define myself….Who am I?

For men, I think it is often defined by what they do for a living. For many years women defined themselves by their children and being a mother. One of the greatest things I think a parent can do for their children is to let them know what their gifts and strengths are as a person. My parents were not those kind of parents and I was well into my 30′s before I had any clear sense of my unique gifts and talents. To reach that point in the journey I have been “labeled” in a variety of ways;

I am a woman. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a christian. I am a Pisces. I am a 3. I am a Jack of Clubs. I am an ENTF. I am an Otter. I am an Achiever, Relator, Maximizer, Learner and Strategic. I am a Marketing Professional. I am a college graduate. I am an Artist.

I associate many of these labels with specific times in my life. Labels never tell a complete story. They are dependent on our understanding, or misunderstanding, of the word used. They should not define us but, unfortunately, often do.

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“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

The above is a quote by Nelson Mandela and it brings me to tears every time I read it. I would like to believe that my fear is really about how powerful I am but I have to say that there are days when I simply fear being inadequate. Not measuring up. Not bringing the goods. Being a disappointment.

This fear lives at the base of my throat and it is quivery. This fear makes my palms sweat profusely. This fear causes me to take shallow breaths. This fear makes me snippy and impatient. This fear makes me “less than” I am.

The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek. -Joseph Campbell

I came across this quote yesterday and it made My Fear awaken. I could feel the quiver in my throat. I think it may be because I am on the threshold of that cave. From The Book of Qualities by J. Ruth Gendler – Fear has a large shadow, but he himself is quite small. He has a vivid imagination. He composes horror music in the middle of the night. He is not very social, and he keeps to himself at political meetings. His past is a mystery. He warned us not to talk to each other about him, adding that there is nowhere any of us could go where he wouldn’t hear us. We were quiet. When we began to talk to each other, he changed. His manners started to seem pompous, and his snarling voice sounded rehearsed.

Two dragons guard Fear’s mansion. One is ceramic and Chinese. The other is real. If you make it past the dragons and speak to him close up, it is amazing to see how fragile he is. He will try to tell you stories. Be aware. He is a master of disguises and illusions. Fear almost convinced me that he was a puppet-maker and I was a marionette.

Speak out boldly, look him in the eye, startle him. Don’t give up. Win his respect, and he will never bother you with small matters.

I have lived long enough to know that moving from fear to a place of comfort and love is often a really tiny step and yet, once again, I find myself hesitating and pacing back and forth at the mouth of the cave.

So, I signed up for a workshop…21 Secrets …to work through this fear and BECOME BRAVE.

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Yesterday, June 21, was the longest day of the year. Also known as the Summer Solstice, it occurs when the sun is in the farthest north in the sky, directly above the Tropic of Cancer. According to USA Today, the exact moment of solstice occurred at 1:16 pm ET.

It didn’t seem any longer to me. I didn’t get any more accomplished with this extra time. That’s not to say that I wasn’t busy – I had a meeting in the morning for a couple of hours, and I treated myself to lunch at Bonnie Ruth’s where the bread and desserts are beyond compare. I had dropped Dexter off at the vet before my meeting – he was neutered yesterday as well as having two suspicious growths removed from around his neck and picked him up at 4 pm.  I did some research on Etsy and found some good information on how to market my handmade items with greater success in that space. I registered for a jewelry making class at the end of the month to learn some new techniques. I made chocolate chip cookies.

I get sidetracked easily by the mundane tasks. I don’t want to waste all of this precious time and get to the end of the year and realize that I still don’t have a plan for how I am going to make a living in this new season. I have “work” to do to define and clarify this new chapter. I realize I can also be a procrastinator when it comes to this self exploration stuff! I was about to write that I wished someone would just tell me what to do…and realized that is precisely what has happened my entire professional career. I have been given this opportunity to figure it out for myself! What a blessing. These are new muscles that I have to develop and it will take consistent, dedicated effort. Let the exercise begin!

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I am a task oriented person. I like to make lists and check things off as they get accomplished.

Last week I was doing work for the Kingdom and realized that I not only like to do things on my list but will quickly take over someone else’s list given the opportunity if I think that I can do it better! By better I really mean if the way things are being done are not how I envisioned the task being completed.

In this instance, the task was something that Jade was leading, and he pointed out  that he had everything under control when I barged in without permission!

Is this an issue of perfectionism or power? I have always associated it with being a perfectionist but Jade suggests that perhaps it is about power and feeling the need to have complete control. I do know that this is not a new issue and that it is why those people close to me have compared me to a freight train at times. Until now, I have never had clear insight into what it was I was specifically doing that made people feel like they had been run over!

I know that I am gifted with leadership skills but true leadership allows for the people who follow you to execute under your direction…not under your thumb!

LIGHTBULB MOMENT: Provide clear direction with respect to the expected outcome and associated timing AND allow for my team members to execute on those tasks as they see best. Only if a team member fails do I really have permission to step in and take over.